Why

Why do I let myself feel?

I'm awesome.  I'm great.  I'm wonderful.  I am a fantastic person.  I'm the greatest.

But apparently not lovable.  The people who have told me these things in my recent past have all seemed to not be able to love someone as awesome, great, wonderful, and fantastic as I.

Why?

I don't know how to NOT feel things.  I think, maybe, that's the whole problem.  Or maybe it's because I don't really know how to hide what I feel.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  As jaded and cynical and tired of soul as I am, my heart cannot stop itself from feeling.  From loving.  Even when I know that love will be unrequited.  I can't help it.  That love is there.

I can't stop it.  And I can't just unfeel it.  It doesn't happen that way for me.  It never has.  When I love someone, no matter what they end up doing to me, it's forever.

I still love the father of my only child, even though what he did to me should never be forgiven.  I still love the Man who taught me who I really am, even though He got bored and subsequently left me high and dry for various reasons.  I still love my last fiance, though he grew weary of me, (understandably so I must admit), and moved me away from him.

I love my friends, those who got close enough to me to see beyond the obnoxious front I usually bear in the name of self-protection.  I miss many of them, since those who are the closest to my heart are the ones the farthest from my reach.

The one man I want more than anything in the world will never be with me.  I know this, but my heart doesn't care.  The next one I've wanted, (yes, there's a list, get over it), is one who believes me to be awesome but isn't interested in anything more.

I'm blunt and straightforward about my feelings.  I really don't know how NOT to be.  Don't get me wrong: I could lie forever about how I feel, but in the end, the lies are not convincing.  And I've learned the value of truth.

I don't know if all Aspies have emotional issues or just issues with expression and social interaction.  I'm sure it varies.  I just know that one of my greatest weaknesses is my emotional range and how I express it.

I'm awesome.  Yep.  I just don't believe it.